


wildflower

by chemicalburnfromthespiralperm



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-01-31 11:38:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12681117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalburnfromthespiralperm/pseuds/chemicalburnfromthespiralperm
Summary: katya has a panic attack at drag con, and trixie runs to the rescue.





	wildflower

**Author's Note:**

> this never happened, but a girl can dream.

She can't breathe.

These panic attacks had been getting worse, far less sporadic and more intense. Bouts of not being able to breathe, of vision going white, chest constricting. She feels like she's dying every time but she never does, even though she prays for death like a sweet release... but she's got too much to fight for.

Always keep fighting, right?

It was supposed to be a good day.

Katya remembers when Trixie said you wake up knowing you're going to lipsync. It's a sinking, gut wrenching feeling but you just know. Katya knows panic attacks the same way. She woke up that day just knowing. She'd tried to smoke weed, tried to calm down, tried calling Trixie but she was busy so Katya did what she always did - pretended she was okay. Unfortunately, people at Drag Con love to touch and kiss and play and they would never stop. Normally, Katya loved it. She could handle it... but today? It was grating.

There was only one person to ever see the galaxies in her eyes, whose touch made universes bloom across her skin. The memory of it makes her moan aloud, knees drawn tight to her chest as she tries to come out of this attack, but it's going to last forever. She'll never be okay. She'll never see the light of day and her depression is going to win. Of all the people it's going to claim with its ugly claws, it will be him. Brian "Katya" McCook, lover of laughter, the happiest drag race queen...

Monster.

Her breaths get more shallow, quicker by the second and she's starting to see white on the periphery, gray-glossy edges as he starts to drift. She can't do this anymore. How much longer can she hide these things from her family, her friends? From where Katya's sitting, tears streaming down her face as she bites down on her lip to keep from shouting, it could be any second. A breakdown due any moment, tearing her apart from the inside out, eating her insides and drowning her in her own blood. Ginger is knelt next to her shouting orders at people, and Katya just puts her hands over her ears.

"Trixie."

Ginger doesn't hear her at first, so she says it again. Or maybe she shouts.

"Trixie! I need Trixie!"

There are fans and promoters and managers and handlers and queens surrounding her, trying to film it, trying to help her, but it's Ginger that actually helps. Through the fog she hears Ginger yell to Bob's assistant to go get Trixie and he books it.

How does she kill this part of herself without actually killing herself?

How does she help herself get better? She'll always be such a fuckin' sweetheart, going around in circles, going endlessly out of her way to demonstrate how deeply she cares while everyone else remains frozen in time, Elsa in a dress of selfishness. How wonderful it would be to remain so pure of heart as to never notice how unimportant she was...

**\------**

Drag Con. It's love-hate, honestly.

Meet and Greets weren't the worst thing about being a drag queen, and most of the time Trixie loved them. She couldn't honestly believe that this was her life, sometimes. That people would pay for things with her face on them just to skip the line, that people would pay cold hard cash just to meet her. Who even is she? Some little kid from Milwaukee with too much make up on? This is crazy.

"Okay," she says into her megaphone, "the next people that bring me a Contact DVD, I'm signing the autograph as Phi Phi O'Hara."

Everyone laughs, obviously, because Trixie is funny, but God damn she'd gotten so many of them today alone. It was slightly endearing that every time a fan brought her the DVD, they though they were the first person to ever do it and always waited for that gut busting reaction of Trixie getting irritated, but honestly, it was maybe funny the first time. She did love that her fans loved her enough to make the same joke a hundred times. Lord knows Trixie has four jokes and she recycles them constantly. Maybe the fans learned it from her.

She was kidding, however, actually smiling for their picture and hugging them fully when they asked. She didn't mind the touching if they respected her first. It was the touchers who just wanted to touch that made Trixie want to kill them.

"Whoa, don't you walk away without showing me that. Oh, oh bitch. That's cute as fuck. Tag me in that so I can crop you guys out of it later. Thanks! No, I'm totally kidding. You guys are beautiful. I love you, too!"

People would say Trixie hated Meet and Greets, which she kind of did, but no one could truthfully say she didn't devote the most time she could to these people.

A volunteer led the next person up as a clash of commotion sounded from across the convention center. Trixie absently wondered if a fan or something maybe had an accident, and then very quickly turned her attention to the young man gushing about how much he loved her.

"Wow, thank you, doll. You look incredible! Where did you get that shirt?" she joked as she pulled him into a hug. "You're so sweet, oh my god."

When the man pulled away from her and had his phone ready for a selfie, she saw Bob's assistant Luis running at her full speed.

"Trixie!"

"Luis, bro, you gotta chill." He looked utterly petrified. "You need-"

"No, it's Katya. It's an emergency!"

Trixie's heart plummeted out of her asshole.

"An emergency? What the fuck are you talking about, Luis, I just saw her."

"She is..." He leaned in to whisper in Trixie's ear. "She's having a panic attack and refuses to let anyone touch her. She keeps asking for you. Ginger was trying to pick her up and move her, but-"

"Fuck, you guys can't do that! Fuck! I'm sorry, hon!"

Trixie demanded that Josh, her assistant, stay to watch her merch and her stuff and took off across the convention center floor. Trixie didn't know she could run this fast in these fucking shoes but she fully sprinted the length of the hall in about two minutes, screaming at people to get out of her way, and Luis was right behind her.

There was a crowd of people surrounding Katya's booth and even from 20 feet away Trixie was screaming, "get away from her! You're gonna make her worse! Move!"

She knew there were cameras on her and it made her fucking sick that some of these fans would exploit something like this. She pushed her way through the crowd of queens and assistants trying to block and help Katya. She didn't give a fuck about any of them.

"I want Trixie!"

Katya was fully crying, her hands covering her face, but Trixie could see the black streaks from her mascara and her eyeliner ruining her perfect contour.

"Baby, I'm here. I'm right here." She got on her knees in front of Katya but didn't touch her, not yet. She knew how to handle this and she was fucking furious that no one grabbed her before this happened.

"Katya, come on babe, I'm right here. I'm right in front of you."

"Trixie?" She pulled her hands away from her eyes and once she realized it really was Trixie in front of her, she was on Trixie in a second, throwing her arms around Trixie's shoulders and sobbing into the crook of her neck. She was babbling a mile a minute. "Trixie, I can't, I can't do it. They all keep touching me and grabbing me and I can't do it, Trixie, I can't. I can't do this. I can't do it anymore."

It all sounded very final and Trixie was a little petrified. She turned to Ginger and Bob.

"Get these people the fuck out of here. I need to get her back to the green room, now."

Leave it to Ginger to turn into a drill Sargent and start barking orders at people left and right. Bob had no fucking shame going into that crowd and slapping cameras out of people's hands. Trixie couldn't wait to read the subredit later...

"Katya, come on, baby. I'm right here. I need you to breathe for me. You're gonna make yourself sick." She tried to pull Katya off of her but her fingers just held on tighter. "Okay, okay. It's okay, baby. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You're safe. You are safe."

She made sure to repeat it as many times as possible while she was waiting for security to come over and escort them. Thank god they had a golf cart so Katya wouldn't have to walk. She leaned over as best she could with Katya still hanging onto her and removed Katya's shoes, those beautiful fuckin' Louboutins that Willam had let her buy off of him.

"Katya, come on baby, we're gonna get you back to the green room. I am not leaving you, but you've gotta let go of me, mama. You have to let go so I can help you."

She'd seen this happen to Katya more times than she'd like to remember and it was absolute fucking torture every time. She never knew why Katya would get triggered or when they would happen. It had never happened at a Meet and Greet or a gig... until now.

Katya nodded against Trixie's shoulder and pulled away, and once Trixie got a good look at Katya's face her fucking heart broke. She looked petrified, terrorized. She stood up first, taking Katya's hand and pulling her up, trying to block her from the crowd and undoubtedly all the pictures being taken of them. Once the fans saw the top of Trixie's wig, they started cheering, obviously out of good spirits, but she wanted them to all eat shit and die right there. It was a painful reminder that this was fucking happening at Drag Con.

"Come on, baby. I'm with you. I'm not going anywhere."

Katya nodded, trying her hardest to keep her shit together. She let Trixie lead her to the golf cart and once they were both seated, Katya put her head on Trixie's shoulder and grabbed onto her hand. She refused to let go.

"Bob! Bob, can you make sure all of Katya's merch gets taken care of? Text Josh and have him take care of it, whatever. I've got my phone. I'll let you know if I need anything else. Ya, can you take us back to the green room please?"

"Yes, ma'am."

The security guard was prompt and thank God he was smart because he took them the long way around, out of the peering eyes of fans.

Trixie looked down at Katya who had her eyes shut so tightly it was even giving Trixie a headache. Katya was about to lose it again.

"Katya, what do you feel?"

They'd rehearsed this a thousand times. These grounding exercises drove Katya crazy but they worked.

"Your shoulder. Your-your hand. The wind from the cart. Um... the seat on my back. Um..."

"Good. Good girl. What do you smell?"

"Your perfume. Your cologne. Your wig spray. The food court."

"That's good, mama. That's amazing. Do you see anything? You gotta open your eyes."

Katya took a deep breath and did as she was told, but she refused to look anywhere else other than at the floor of the cart.

"Your shoes. There's a peanut shell. You have a hole in your tights."

"I been with you for two minutes, bitch, and you're already reading me?" She tried to lighten the mood, and it did get Katya to huff out a small laugh. "Come on. Bob just texted me that he made sure all the queens are out of the green room so it's just gonna be you and me. We can be there for as long as you need to, okay?"

She helped Katya from the cart to the green room, getting her set up laying down on the couch without her wig and her head in Trixie's lap. Trixie's hand was gently running through what hair Katya did have, and she was humming softly.

"You wanna tell me what happened?"

Katya opened her eyes and looked up at Trixie. They always became so blue when she cried.

"I... Everyone was touching me. Normally I don't care, but today, I just..."

"You think maybe it's your PTSD?"

Mentioning it was apparently the wrong thing to do, because Katya's face twisted up into anguish as she started to cry again.

"Trixie, I fuckin' hate myself. I hate myself so much." She lifted her hands to her face again.

"Katya, come on, baby. You're safe. You're okay. No one is touching you right now without your consent. Come on, sweetie. You're okay here. No one is expecting anything of you right now."

"But what about all those people! They paid a stupid fucking amount of money for this and they're all just waiting out there! Your fans, too! What the fuck, Trixie!"

"Girl, I don't give a fuck about them! They'll wait and if they don't want to wait that's fine! They'll understand! Look at me: they will understand. Period. They will. You probably have hundreds of tweets of people wanting you to be okay. They get it. You will be fine and they won't hold this against you."

Katya finally shut her eyes and tried to calm herself down. She grabbed Trixie's other hand and held it to her chest.

"You okay?"

She nodded, finally sitting up and turning to face Trixie.

"I got makeup all over your dress."

Trixie looked down at herself and shrugged. "It's the best this dress has ever looked. I'll buy a new one. I don't care. Are you okay?"

Katya went to wipe at her eyes, and then remembered the makeup. She pulled off her lashes and threw them to the ground. She obviously didn't care anymore, but she still looked beautiful, as far as Trixie was concerned.

"I feel like shit. I thought... I thought I was okay."

"I should have called you back this morning. I'm sorry."

Katya shook her head. "I'm a grown man, Trixie. If I can't handle my own panic attacks without my best friend? I'm... that makes me feel weak."

"No," said Trixie, shifting to face Katya fully. "It makes you strong because you reach out for help. You know yourself well enough to know you need help and you can ask for it. Bitch, I fuckin' ran a mile from my booth to yours in these shoes, fully screamed at idiot fans for being in my way, and shoved Tammie Brown to get to you. I'd do anything for you. Literally."

Katya smiled sadly. "I love you."

"I love you more than anything. I'd do it a thousand times for you. I'd run on molten fucking legos in bare feet for you. Idiot."

Katya's smile finally reached her eyes. "I'm sorry I made you do that."

"Luis looked terrified when he came up to me. I didn't even apologize to the people in line. I just booked it. I'm sure there are a hundred twitter notifs waiting for me of video of 6'4" Trixie Mattel booking it across Drag Con in four inch heels to save her boyfriend Katya Zamo." She rolled her eyes. "If they didn't know we were together before, I think they know now."

Katya leaned forward and pressed her lips against Trixie's, and it was a kiss filled with so much love and so much gratefulness. Trixie sighed against her lips and put her hand on the back of her neck.

"We're still not telling anyone."

Katya smiled. "Duh."

"Are you okay?"

"Um... no? I truly wish I were dead but in like, an 'I no longer wish to exist on this plane anymore' kind of way, not like I'm gonna kill myself. I wouldn't... but like, you know what I mean?"

God, Trixie wished she did.

"You need to go back to our room. You're not going back out there like this, Katya. You need to sleep. Did you bring your meds with you?"

Katya nodded. "Yes, mom. I promise. I don't even have my stuff."

"Don't worry. I'll take care of it. Just go back to the hotel, okay?"

"What are you gonna do about your dress?"

"Tell people to fuck off."

Katya leaned forward and gave Trixie a hug, letting herself deflate in Trixie's arms, and Trixie just held her for a moment. "You're okay, baby. It's okay. Don't worry about any of that. Just go back to the hotel. I love you."

Katya leaned back and looked at Trixie like she'd hung the moon.

"Thank you."

She knew it was for more than just helping her.


End file.
